Monday, February 1, 2010

hear's my resume. gimme a job.

Sometimes, a resume can keep person from getting the job of their dreams. For example, here are some lines that actually appeared on resumes submitted to employers (each entry is printed exactly as it appeared on the resume... and yes, I do realize I used the wrong hear/here in the title :) ):
  1. Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.
  2. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
  3. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
  4. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
  5. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
  6. (On the cover letter) Please ignore the attached resume because it is out of date.
  7. My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.
  8. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
  9. If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
  10. My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.
  11. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
  12. I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
  13. Referees available upon request.
  14. I'm a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
  15. Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days.
  16. Strengths: Impersonal skills.
  17. Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.
  18. I have lurnt Word Perfect computor and spreasheet progroms.
  19. Special skills: Thyping.
  20. Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.
  21. It's best for employers that I not work with people.
  22. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
  23. I am very detail-oreinted.
  24. Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky.
  25. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

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